The polygamy , compound word derived from latinopolygamĭa in turn from the greek πολυγαμία obligation arising from πολύγαμος made πολυ- (poly -, πολύς composition form of 'very') and γάμος , "marriage" is the relationship established with a variety of purposes, including the one primarily for reproductive purposes, between an individual di un sesso e due o più individui della stessa specie dell'altro sesso(Wikipedia, voce poligamia ).
“ Amore, mi hanno sposato”.
Letteralmente.
Otto anni fa, i genitori del mio compagno, a sua insaputa e in sua assenza, per sottrarlo a un possibile matrimonio in Italia, hanno celebrato in Senegal il matrimonio tra lui e sua cugina.
Non respiro.
Non respiro più!
…
E ho continuato a non respirare più per anni, annichilita dallo spavento di scoprire non la debolezza del mio uomo, that the marriage was never the opposite, but my heart was not a cultural center, which could not be my absolute certainties and elsewhere were equally reliable and equally justified, rational, shared, respected.
hang out when you expect to be attacked and robbed, when entering a station you do not expect to be raped but you know it can happen, you know that your man can betray you, you know that your father may die Suddenly, a friend who can turn my back, that your working group may decide to do without you to protect internal powers, in the world who kills a thousand euro or to prove large.
We are exposed to the shock, we have antibodies to survive.
In front of the culture shock is missing everything, and the blow is so strong that sometimes the only survival is the refusal, or the passive acceptance and unconditional.
I, that day, I got up from the couch in silence, I approached the kitchen cupboard, I took a plate, another, another .. and I have split on the floor, mesmerized by the broken, unable to do anything else.
I wanted to smash his face, but love and education, and many years of activism anti-racism in the ranks of those who preach cultural relativism and respect for all differences have prevented me from a reaction so human and I said "Stop! first you have to understand. "
admirable.
But if I had vented the first pain, howling my contempt for a retrograde and demeaning practice that placed me, he and his cousin on the same level of game pieces, if I had thrown out in the best tradition of making him fly betrayal shirts from the window, I would have frozen my pain in a cage which is not good manners, I think, never released.
I understand, I understand a lot of things.
But our relationship is over, after five years without ever being able to overcome that first, horrible betrayal.
Cheikh I realized that if he could understand even a thousandth of the pain that caused me, I probably would have kept hidden forever.
I realized that it was a shock for him, which united in disbelief at the violence that his parents were convinced of the need to decide for himself in his life, but that was one of those shocks to which he had antibodies, and that could be overcome.
I understand that there are reasons and pressures that are in a system in which a woman has a different role and different tasks and is called to do different things and that there inside there is also an arranged marriage at a distance and without love which joins other and each other with its rationale, shared by the community much more than by the individual spouses who are in that system altogether irrelevant.
I understand that this system, one piece, it is sometimes acceptable.
I realized that it's not for me.
I realized that building a new society and unexpected things can happen that neither the waste nor passive acceptance and unconditional are the solution.
Both our lives have undergone a shift that day.
Cheikh began to look for escape routes, family, community, social obligations - for a period found them in isolation, sex, nell'hashjsh in the street - then stopped and found them in himself.
never came back to Senegal with the same eyes, a part of him is still torn apart and who knows if ever be recomposed, but is supported by another party who has founded an adult self, aware of his choices and desires and love for his daughter and his Italian partner and for the land that has welcomed
.
I tried to be fredda, ho studiato, parlato con molte meravigliose donne che mi hanno spiegato la loro esprienza con la poligamia, con una società differente e a volte incomprensibile, esperienze di dolore, a volte, e esperienze di serenità profonda e complicità costruita.
Credo di non essermi mai ricomposta del tutto, e lo vedo in alcune istintive chiusure che ho con mio marito, oggi, e con alcune sue modalità che strutturano la nostra quotidianità.
Chiusure che non sovrappongo alla buona educazione, ora reagisco come mi viene e poi, dopo, cerco in me lo spazio di una mediazione e lo porto a lui.
I do not have to do in my marriage, polygamy, but cultural differences are not only those macro: Baba is from a country where everything is available at any time of day or night - gets home at eight, had to buy bread, but he did not, he knows that here the shops close early, but his inner clock is still in Senegal and I accuse him of horrible and guilty for distraction when he's just habit other rhythms unconscious ...
Sometimes even this does not make me breathe, but now it's seconds, not more than years.
can not breathe ...
When I played with Barbie and Ken wedding dress them, there was never another one with the white dress!
Till death do you part does not include the number three!
Forming a couple is a two-act, two, two!
Plato spoke of two halves!
The pendant with a divided heart is broken in two!
on the cake there are only two newlyweds!
I can not, I can not ...
But I can understand, I can study, I think!
the motivation brought by Islam, the Koran (IV, 3)
the context of today Senegal
habit
changes
that particular family ...
Understanding does not mean accepting everything.
Understanding does not hurt, does not mean anything, if you ever add what you find acceptable and establishes the conscious with what is not acceptable is.
understand Maybe I will breathe again ...
[in the text, some links to explore the concept and context of polygamy]
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